I’m not cut out for unemployment

I see that the last blog I posted was already 8 months ago!!! How did that happen??? I’ve had it in my mind to write so many times but somehow life just kind of got away with me. And this is probably not a unique issue: it’s just as easy to stop exercising for 8 months; or not talking to certain people in our lives for so long… If we stop being present or postponing the things that are on our minds, time will not stop unfortunately. It will continue to remind us what we miss out on.

Time also seems to move faster when I don’t have a lot of things to fill my days with… I’m now unemployed for 2 months (by own choice) and the first month was kind of okay because I was working on the renovation of our new home but the last couple of weeks are kind of hellish. After new years I fell into a mental gap. Due to COVID I hadn’t been able to do my work in a proper way anyway for a long time now but 1 and a half month into unemployment I realize day by day how much I enjoy mental challenges.

I jumped into these (hopefully only) couple of months of unemployment quite consciously though; first month: renovating our house. Then take a month or two off for ‘holiday’ to find closure – to grieve the past 8 years of my previous job as well as figuring out the next step. People often forget to grieve when they close anything of a significant time or a significant importance. Being a daughter of a psychologist I know how important it is to stop and take a moment. Because I’m not only grieving my previous work. I also grieve everything it was connected to. For instance my whole 20s. The end of daily connections with certain people and certain situations. The end of a routine.

During all these lockdowns we learned how important it is to have a daily structure. It might even be more important when one does not have a job. So after a week of feeling sorry for myself I sat down and looked at my agenda and tried to fill it. As if I was on the job. But now the job looks different. It contains things like doing some exercise; going for a walk; take the time to cook a nice meal I would normally not have the time for; and also looking for a new job. I actually scheduled for myself times when I need to browse (‘do research’) and if I find something nice, write a motivation letter. I realize that I only feel fulfillment when I had done and completed some mental tasks. Weird, right? I also love fitness or cooking but I don’t feel as fulfilled when I had my daily movement as when I for instance sent out my first application…

But that’s okay. I actually should enjoy the possibility of exploring myself again – my likes and dislikes. What gives fulfillment and what does not.  During our daily lives we often lose track of these important aspects and I think, I’m in the very lucky position of having all the resources to be able to take this time off and to re-evaluate.

So, I will make the best out of it as I can. I owe it to my supporting environment as well as to myself. But I promise, it won’t take too long. I already cannot wait to jump back on a full mailbox and the daily contact with my peers!