Walk away (?)

Do you know the feeling when you finally stand up for yourself; present yourself vulnerable and honestly talk about what’s happening inside of you?

Don’t worry, I’m not a big expert on it either. Outside of my family, I only did it once. In a work environment so it meant an extra threshold to step over since I was risking having to leave.

But it felt good. I achieved what was good for me and my emotional health, and what was good for the other party at the same time, while I stayed true to myself and finally had some self respect. Eventually, we found a solution together that worked out for both parties. 

But then a couple of months later they use the whole situation against you. They tell you, what you’re doing is nothing. If it disappears, not even a malaria mosquito will miss it so you should just let it go. Something, I’ve been working on the past 4 years….

This above happened to me, literally as written above. 

What also happened is that I froze. I was speechless. With my big mouth, I wasn’t able to say anything. Because what do you say to someone who is pushing you to the ground and kicking you once; then twice? Then 10 minutes longer?

Furthermore, this above was happening via a conference call with another person listening. I have never ever in my life felt so humiliated and hurt like this time. When I hung up, I was staring at my laptop, still speechless, my head in my hands. I couldn’t speak and I just burst into tears. 

Then I kept wondering whether I should confront this person. He has the right to know how he hurt me and that it was a total lack of respect and empathy. But…

… but how can I again: stand up for myself, present myself vulnerable and honestly talk about what the conversation did to me while the last time had just been used against me?

I am self-conscious enough to know that standing up for myself back then felt good and it was definitely the right thing to do. And it went in the most civilized and honest way possible. 

After this conversation I only had one conclusion: assholes do exist. Now I am also well-aware of the fact that no one is irreplaceable in a work environment but whatever is their excuse, nothing is a good enough excuse to be disrespectful, hurtful and derogatory towards others. 

Now I had two choices again. Either share my thoughts with the above mentioned person or simply walk away.

And this time, I chose to walk away. Because I still have some self-respect in me to do what’s best for me and I needed to be selfish. I didn’t see the point of facing another conflict because this is a pattern. Someone else’s pattern. I broke mine the last time when I stood up for myself and now I chose to forgive him silently and just let it go. For my own good.